Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
A clean desk is a
sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
If at first you
don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
He who smiles in a
crisis has found someone to blame.
I saw Elvis. He
sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you
wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect
science is hindsight.
A procrastinator's
work is never done.
My favourite
mythical creature? The honest politician.
I like kids, but I
don't think I could eat a whole one.
I was the next
door kid's imaginary friend.
If you believe in
telekinesis, raise my hand.
Despite the high
cost of living, it remains popular.
I'm an apathetic
sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
Even crime
wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
If rabbit's feet
are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
I once read a book about anti-gravity. I just
couldn't put it down.
Son: Mommy, Mommy, what's an orgasm? Mom: I
don't know dear, ask your father.
If at first you don't succeed, get your
assistant to do it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
day.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk
a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The
dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A
woman who won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I
don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of
her intelligence? Divorced.
